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GM3YEW > HUMOR    24.11.21 10:20l 264 Lines 9112 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 24/11
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Sent: 211124/0906Z 23227@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


 As Grandmother used to say

 The winds of the daytime wrestle and fight,longer and stronger than those of the night
-------

Thanks Ian


I found £20 in a car park and thought to myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine !

----

 CALL THE POLICE- WHEN YOU'RE OLD,  AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Some people try to turn back their  odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know _why_ I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of  the roads weren't paved.

*****
When you are dissatisfied  and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

-------------


Things To Make You Ponder !

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
----

Cartoon Laws
------------
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
Situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He
Loiters in midair, soliloquising flippantly, until he chances to look down.
At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
Takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
Intervenes suddenly.  Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
Cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
Pole or an outsized boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.  Sir
Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
Surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming
To its perimeter.  Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon
Is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
Cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall
Of a house, leaving a cookie- cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or
Matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
Equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
Down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.  Such an object is
Inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.  Psychic forces are
Sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the
earth's surface.   A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will
Induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
The crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who is running or the
Wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in
Flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is
Particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may
Be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
Simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among bodies that are
Spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-
Replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
The velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
Entrances; others cannot.  This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
Generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
Theoretical space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he
Attempts to follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art,
Not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats
Possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably
Afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated,
Spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few
Moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
Solidify. Corollary A:  A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.  When poked (usually
In the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy
Gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Bizarre Presidential Facts
--------------------------
Abraham Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an
envelope. In fact, he worked on that address for two weeks.

It was Cicero, not President John F. Kennedy, who first said words to the
effect of, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do
for your country."

Some scholars believe Andrew Jackson was born at sea in 1755, not 1767, and
thus was not eligible to be president of the U.S. However, at least two
states, North Carolina and South Carolina, claim his birth place, about a
mile apart.

In 1824, Andrew Jackson received more popular votes than John Adams, yet
lost the election. The vote was so close that neither candidate received a
majority of the electoral votes. The decision then went to the House of
Representatives, which elected Adams.

Zachary Taylor, twelfth president of the U.S., did not vote until he was
sixty-two. He did not even vote in his own election.

President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested during his term of office. He
was convicted of exceeding the Washington speed limit on his horse and
was fined $20.


-----------

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He
said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to
help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind' the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING
GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER
IN THE BLOOD....'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each
other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES....'




-------------------

Can you imagine yourself sitting at a desk grading these R.E. exam papers
all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?!


PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND
THESE HILARIOUS ! 

THEY COME FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS. 

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE, WRITTEN
BY CHILDREN, HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF. 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.

NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A
BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. 

AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS. 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY. 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . 

THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD
HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700
PORCUPINES. 

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED
THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION. 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE,  WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.  HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO
WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY,  HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.

---

Best Wishes

Dave


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