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GM3YEW > HUMOR    20.11.21 08:10l 244 Lines 7455 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 23045_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 20/11
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211120/0659Z 23045@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


  As Grandmother used to say

 Chimney smoke descends, our nice weather ends

-----

A group of women from Perth, Australia were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. 

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.  
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. 
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
 
Below are 11 hilarious replies.  
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. 

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

 
1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10 I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. 
 (My personal favourite!)
 11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she..
 
---


Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are
going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with
his verb in his mouth.
                -- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
---
Things To Make You Ponder

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

----------
Family
------
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
Prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered. 

"Children?" 

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. 

"Animals?" 

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." 
--------


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
Activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.  Grandma couldn't
Speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
Communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
Right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
Stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
Her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
You're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
Nephew......


'swine's  won't let me fart.'




Vacation
--------
"We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Brad.   
"My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean." 

"Jamaica?" Brad asked. 

"No, it was her idea." 



Checkup
-------
Yesterday, I went for a check-up and, concluding his exam, the doctor told
Me, "I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health
Despite your age and being being quite overweight. My advice to you is
This: If you want to stay healthy, give up those posh dinners for two -
Unless you have someone to share them with."



Newly Discovered Parchment
--------------------------
This parchment just unearthed in a 1902 time capsule found in the grounds
Of Farquar Manor, Kent.

"Please pass this parchment to your fellow gentlemen via royal mail postal
Service or messenger. What follows is a amusing and humorous account of
Living in the modern age in the year of our Lord 1902.

You know you are living in 1902 when:

1) Your chimney sweep is over the age of ten because of new fangled child
Labour laws.

2) You no longer play your pianissimo in the evenings as your right arm is
Weary from winding up the gramophone record player.

3) Working class people are allowed jobs in the same company as you.

4) You have twenty types of hat in your wardrobe, one for every occasion.

5) It is no longer illegal to shoot a Frenchman on sight.

6) You exchange your pony and trap for a one of those new motorcars and
Find that it is slower because the man with the red flag can only walk so
Fast.

7) You've seen a woman's ankle and not been obliged to marry her
Afterwards.

8) You feel nostalgic when you see toy soldiers with bright red tunics.

9) As you read this you nod and smile and then make a list of all your
Friends to send this to, passing instructions to your valet to inscribe it
And send it to them.



Husband's Cheque
----------------
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husbands' pay cheque for the first time.

When the teller told her the cheque would have to be endorsed, the bride
Grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend
My husband, Stanford Strothers."



Physical
--------
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on
His shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"No. I play bridge with my wife."   

-------

Interesting True Tombstones!

* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up And no place to go.

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.

* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who
Lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
Children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
Manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.

* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body
Of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We
Planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies
An honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.

* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.

* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.

---

Best Wishes

Dave




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