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GM3YEW > HUMOR    17.11.21 08:20l 232 Lines 7794 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 17/11
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<DB0RES<ON0AR<VK6HGR<VK7AX<VK2IO<N7HPX<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 211117/0709Z 22957@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18



As Grandmother used to say

 Ice in November to bear a duck,the rest of the winter'll be slush and muck

---------

Thanks Colin


6) DIET:Day 1 - I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was 
delicious.

-----


    *The NILE Virus (Type C)*

    I thought you would want to know about this virus.Even the most
    advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot
    take care of this one. It appears to target those who were born
    prior to 1955.

    The lockdown seems to be increasing the chances of being affected!


    *Virus Symptoms*

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

    3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

    6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)

    7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)

    8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

    */This virus is called the /**/C-NILE/**/virus!/*

    A lot of us have already been inflicted with this deadly disease and
    unfortunately as we age it gets worse.

    And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously
    caught the other strain - the deadly D-NILEvirus
--

 Things To Make You Ponder

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

---------

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
Visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said,
'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any
Grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No,
You don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a
Suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean,
Do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a
John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer
Said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer
Said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we
Both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a
Little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
Dayvorce.'


 ----


An old man and woman were married for many years, even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
neighbours feared him. They believed he practised black magic,
because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To
everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that
he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'

(Women - they think of everything!!!!)
 --------

       THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN AN ARKANSAS SCHOOL
       DISTRICT.  (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)


       --MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY.
       PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

       -- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER
SHOT.

       --DEAR SCHOOL:  PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30,
       31,32 AND ALSO 33.
       --PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY.  SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

       --PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E.  FOR A FEW DAYS.  YESTERDAY HE FELL
OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

       --JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

       --CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL.  HE
WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

       --MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

       --JONNY WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

       -- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL.  HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

       -- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.  HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS.  [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].

       --PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.  HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

       --IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

       -- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING.  IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

       -- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

       --PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY.  WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY.  WE THOUGHT
IT WAS SUNDAY.

       -- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY.  WE HAVE TO ATTEND
HER FUNERAL.

       -- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED.  SHE SPENT
A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

       -- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.  HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.

       --PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.  SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.

       --GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

       --PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA.  SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

       --MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE
THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.  HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE
THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE
BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER . THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND,
HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.


Rough text -












Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going
to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter,
the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or
anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.



---
Best Wishes

Dave





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