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GM3YEW > HUMOR    16.11.21 08:30l 353 Lines 9047 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22936_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 16/11
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VK2IO<GB7YEW
Sent: 211116/0715Z 22936@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18



As Grandmother used to say

 Onion skins very thin, mild winter coming in
 ----------
Thanks Colin


5) Lock Down Breakfast - pouring Bailey's Irish Cream on your 
cornflakes.

--


When the Dr says you need to watch your drinking:-

Wife asks husband if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooks dinner; so husband takes battery out of smoke alarm.

Dr to wife, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
disorder. If you dont follow the following, hell DIE! Each morning give
him a nutritious breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and dont nag. Make
a healthy lunch. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal.  No chores.
Oh, and make love several times each week. Do all these for 12 months and
hell regain his health completely.”
Wife goes home and husband asks what the Dr said. Wife replies, “Youre
going to die!”

Ladies, if a man says hell fix it, there is no need to remind him every
6 months.

Picture in your mind: the Statue of Liberty and a same-sized one of a
young lady in a bikini. Is this Global Warming?

Picture in your mind:
1) a car half submerged in flood water – KIA. 
2) car completely submerged – NOKIA.

Sign on community noticeboard – Tried calling the TINNITUS HELPLINE. No
answer, just kept ringing.


---

Things To Make You Ponder

13. God must love stupid people He made so many.

Waiter, Waiter
--------------
Waiter, Waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Yes sir, this is the very finest of French Restaurants.
Well, hop over to the kitchen and get me a plate of eggs.

Waiter, Waiter, there is a bee in my soup.
Yes sir, it is the fly's day off.

Waiter, Waiter, there is a spider in my soup.
Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly.

Waiter, Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Shhhhhh! Or everyone will want one!

Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

Waiter, Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.

Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.

Waiter, Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir that's the soup!

Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir we serve anyone.

Waiter, Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir the coffee tastes like glue.

Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
Three months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like the last time, please also bring me a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.

Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig.
I'll take it back, sir, and bring you some that is.

Waiter, Waiter, do I have to wait here until I die of starvation?
No sir, we close at six o'clock.

Waiter, Waiter, if this venison, I'm an idiot.
Yes sir, it is venison.

Waiter, Waiter, has the chef got pigs' feet?
I can't tell, sir. He's got his shoes on.

Waiter, Waiter, this soup is cold. Bring me some that's hot.
Do you want me to burn my thumb, sir?

Waiter, Waiter, this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.
Yes, sir, it has. But how did you know?
All the food tastes of soap.

Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.

Waiter, Waiter, there's only one piece of meat on my plate.
Just a moment, sir, and I'll cut it in two.

Waiter, Waiter, will the band play anything I request?
Yes, sir.
Well, tell them to play cards.

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
The meat.
"Are you crazy," yelled the customer, "coming here with your hand on my
Steak?"
"What?!" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"


---
 I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.



This quite hefty, very plain looking woman with a face like a cow came up behind me,
grabbed my arse and said,"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I've got a pen".



I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're over seventy...............who cares?




********

I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me
3 packets of condoms, please."



Lady assistant "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"



I said "No... She's pretty good  looking....."

When you're over seventy.............who cares?



***********



I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."



Cost  me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy..............who cares?


**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really "she said, "Go on then... Try."



After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...



When you're over seventy...............who cares?



*********


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.



When you're over seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."



The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...



When you're over seventy..............who cares?

--------




Wolf
----
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree
Stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 kilometres down the
Road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
Behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little
Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm
Trying to go to the toilet!"



How To Train A Cat
------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use
the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband
reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him
a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go
outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.



Identity
--------
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She
gave a personal cheque in payment and said to the salesman, "I suppose you
will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," he answered.

===========


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day.

 They both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide
which of them gets in.

He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven,
whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.

They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles.
Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.

St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of Gods most exquisite creations and you turn me down.

She simply gargles and spits and she gets in.

Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no
matter how big they are."


--
Best Wishes

Dave




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