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GM3YEW > HUMOR    15.11.21 08:10l 229 Lines 8891 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: jokes 15/11
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Sent: 211115/0650Z 22896@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


  As Grandmother used to say

 Look for rain when the crow flies low

------
Thanks Colin


4) Who would have thought one day we'd be smoking weed at a family 
gathering? The illegal part is the family gathering.

----


COMPUTER AGE.
Ever notice,the older we get, the more were like computers? Start with
lots of MEMORY and DRIVE, then we become outdated and eventually to get
some parts replaced.

Picture in your mind:-  a bride at the door of the office,
where bridegroom is working at computer. He looks up and says, “OOPS!”

Life before computers – Memory was something you lost with age;  an
Application was for a job;  a program was a TV show;  a keyboard was a
piano;  a web was a spiders home;  a virus was the ‘flu;  a
hard-drive was a long trip on the road;  a mouse-pad was where a mouse
lived;  AND if you had a 3 & a 1/2 inch floppy, you just hoped nobody
found out!

Picture in your mind:-  a man and a cat sat facing a computer,with a wire
coming out of the cats mouth into the computer.     Man says, “Its
going to take some time to send e-mails.”

---

Things To Make You Ponder

12. Nyquil the stuffy sneezy why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

----------


Subject: School Children Writing About The Sea



.. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

.. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

.. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island .. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

.. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

.. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)

.. My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)

.. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)

.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

.. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)


.. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

.. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 8)

.. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)

 ----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive
.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started....
************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for 14.95.  Instead, she
bought a jar of cold cream for 7.95. I told her the beer would make her look
better at night than the cold cream....... And that's how the fight started.
************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability, too'......  And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at
a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked,
'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'...... And that's how the fight started.....
*************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'....... And that's how
the fight started.....
**************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  'I'll
have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'  He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad
cow ?'  'Nah, she can order for herself.'...... And that's how the fight started.....





-------------

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
 House it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
 Came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on
 The back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
 His card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
 "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
 Laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
 For I was naked."

 -------


The Funny Side of Marriage

* One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
Wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Well,
Yes, but I married the wrong man."

* Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant
With friends. You order what you want, then when you see
What the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's' degree and the woman gets her master's.

* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

* A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was
Until I got married; and then it was too late."

* A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The
Next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can
Have mine."

* Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get
Your laundry done free.

* And some learn that the most effective way to remember
Your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
Know that either the wife is new - or the car is.

* Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"

--------

 After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga
couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't
want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework
banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in
 an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the smartest tool in
the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to
my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ..... At which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan,
Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston,
Paisley, and Old Kilpatrick.


---

Best Wishes


Dave


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