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GM3YEW > HUMOR    14.10.21 08:20l 287 Lines 10495 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21431_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 14/10
Sent: 211014/0613Z 21431@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say

 The acorn never falls far from the tree


Thanks John

Religious humour.

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was 
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."  
"Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), 
they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to 

(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"



 2 - A petrol/diesel engine has 20,000 individual parts . . . . An electrical motor has 20 . . . . Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are repaired only by dealers . . . . It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor . . . .


Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
last of the series

You can't remember who sent you this list.

And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night!


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
To purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
Television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
  To hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped
  Deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
  3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
  First place... Smack his bum again!'


Ways To Stay Stressed
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if
You practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a
Balanced diet isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 10 kilos over your recommended

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
And cola will continue to do the job just fine.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing
To tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you
Have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be
Your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work,
Family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time
To listen, be offended, then return the attack!

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you
Want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take
Work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are
For sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day
Than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get
A chance.

PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a
Marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market,
Earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

Either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or
Inadequate when you don't meet them.

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and
It shouldn't be treated as one.

Bizarre Crossword Puzzle Facts
Crosswords were so popular in the twenties that in 1925 the B&O Railroad
put dictionaries on all its mainline trains for its crossword-solving passengers.

During the Roaring '20s, crossword puzzles even influenced fashions:
Clothes made with black and white checked fabric were the rage.

In December 1925, Theodore Koerner, a 27-year-old employee of the New York
Telephone Co., shot and wounded his wife after she refused to help him
solve a crossword puzzle.

In 1926, a waiter living in Budapest, Hungary committed suicide. He left
behind a note - in the form of a crossword puzzle - explaining why he
killed himself. His motive: unknown. The police couldn't solve the puzzle.

Today crossword puzzles are the most popular hobby on Earth.   
The Bible is the most popular Crossword puzzle subject.   

What's a 14-letter word for a crossword maniac?   

About These Chain Emails
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your goofy chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me
feel safer, more secure, blessed and mistakenly wealthy. Because of your

1... I can no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet

2... I can no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3... I can no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat faeces and urine.

4... I can no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes

5... I can no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

6... I can no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

7... I can no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

8... I can no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

9... I can no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10... I can no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

11... I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

12... I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

13... I no longer worry about my soul because I have 1,363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

14... Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (The BIBLE did not mention it works that way, so I didn't know!)

15... I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

16... I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour. If you don't send this e-mail to at least
1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will poo on
your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of my next-door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's tennis instructor.


Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90½
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Best Wishes


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