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GM3YEW > HUMOR    12.10.21 08:20l 256 Lines 9863 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21342_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 12/10
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Sent: 211012/0611Z 21342@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


 As Grandmother used to say

 If the moon rises with a halo round, soon we'll tread on deluged ground
-----------
Thanks Colin


Picture in your mind: "I can see people queueing for petrol from my 
bathroom window" (bathroom is FULL of loo rolls).

---


Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

-------

CLEVER COVID-19 AND RULES?

 1) It won't infect people at a wedding unless there's more than
 fifteen people. But, it also won't infect anyone at a funeral, as long
 as there's no more than thirty people. So not only can the virus
 count, it can also differentiate between a wedding and a funeral.

 2) It does spread in pubs, but only after 10 pm. It also only infects
 if you're in a group of more than six. But not at weddings or
 funerals, obviously.

 3) Masks do work, that's why people will be fined for not wearing
 them. But not in pubs, because as already discovered, the virus
 doesn't infect pub goers until after 10 pm.
 4)Cinemas, gyms, etc are also immune from the virus cos the virus
 can't afford cinema tickets or gym memberships.

 5) Schools, where kids gather in large groups are also immune, as the
 virus doesn't like learning. But, those same large groups of kids
 can't meet outside of school cos that's when the virus will get them,
 as it waits outside the school gates.

 6) The elderly should be isolated and protected from the virus  -
 unless they're needed to babysit. So grandparents can't see their
 grandkids socially as it's not safe, but can babysit them cos the
 virus knows the difference between wanting to see grandkids because
 you love and miss them (which the virus hates) and having to see your
 grandkids out of obligation (which the virus is fine with).

 7) The virus will definitely get at you at home too, if you meet up
 with family and friends in a controlled environment; but not in a pub
 where you can meet up with these same family and friends in an
 environment you cant control, with many other strangers – well at
 least up to 10pm.

8) The virus also sticks to specific postcodes,
 this is why some areas have stricter rules than others.

 9) Oh, and grouse hunting is perfectly fine in large groups
 regardless of any rules. As are protests as the virus is PC.


Paraprosdokian of the day

Ø  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-----------

> The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and
 sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late
 and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
 excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
 toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
 Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we
 sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
 chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa
 Claus to bring our presents.

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
 out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
 Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from
 the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
 factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin
 to sing: "What A. Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."

-----------

THE  AMISH & ELEVATORS

An  Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,  "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.. Finally the  walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old  blonde woman
stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
............... "Go get your mother."

--------------------------


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING  MARRIED

 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped after I started doing the  same thing to them at funerals.


---------

A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF  THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW
BEAUTIFUL PETER'S  FLATMATE WAS.

SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE  TWO,
AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.

OVER THE COURSE OF THE  EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,
SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE  WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE
THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED,  KNOW WHAT YOU
MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, JULIE & I ARE JUST FLATMATES AND
FRIENDS.

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, JULIE CAME TO PETER SAYING, EVER SINCE YOUR
MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T
SUPPOSE  SHE TOOK IT DO YOU? WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST
TO BE SURE, SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR  MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU TOOK THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU  DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING PAN,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT  HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU
WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

SEVERAL  DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:

DEAR  SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SLEEP WITH JULIE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH JULIE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
SHE WAS SLEEPING IN  HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM

------------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

  --------------



 Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
Their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
Ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just
That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose
Thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer
Looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
Life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
Took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
Earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than
My original! I realised I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long
Skirts.
Two years ago I realised my arms had been switched. One
Morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my
Upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
Really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a
Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and
smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement
body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed

and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see

that they had just been hiding in my armpits
as I slept.. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

---

Best Wishes

Dave



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