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GM3YEW > HUMOR    08.10.21 08:30l 295 Lines 9428 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21083_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 8/10
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211008/0612Z 21083@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


As Grandmother used to say
 When smoke descends, good weather ends

------

Thanks Colin

If My Body Was a Car! This is just so scary in how true it is!!!


I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is 
getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's 
especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid 
and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to 
reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or 
sputter, either my Radiator Leaks or my Exhaust Backfires !

---


Quotes :-

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but
so so.
                -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
----


Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!


People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
----------

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vun-ER-abul) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a cup!.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-meoo-in-Kay-shun) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tane-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie concert play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking lager.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment self-expression male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.!
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.… Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ree-mote-kon-trole) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 215 channels every few minutes.

AND

He said.…   . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . .. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said.… How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said. We don't know it has never happened.

He said.… Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive caring and Good-looking?
She said . .… They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

---------

Vacation
--------
"We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Brad.
"My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Brad asked.

"No, it was her idea."



Checkup
-------
Yesterday, I went for a check-up and, concluding his exam, the doctor told
Me, "I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health
Despite your age and being being quite overweight. My advice to you is
This: If you want to stay healthy, give up those posh dinners for two -
Unless you have someone to share them with."

 -----



A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug)which came in
 a little white box to use for its house.
 He took the box back home found a good location for the box and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
 He asked the centipede in the box"Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time." But there was no  answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again"How
about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes
more thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time this time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting"hey in there! Would you like to go
 to ! Church with me and learn about the Lord?"





A little voice came out of the box... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

-----------

Old Testament computing…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a
young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long
 of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy
 goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply
said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what
you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang
 out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
 having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a
system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound
(MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and picturesHebrew To The
People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no
one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would
 work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he
 was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.





-----------


Stay Young My Friend


We all need to read this one over and over -
until it becomes part of who we are!



HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)



3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.



6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next city, county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend.



11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?
Nothing bad will happen . . .
But do share this with someone.


Remember!  Lost time is gone forever and can never be found.

Be kinder than is necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
And Remember . . .


Wine does not make you FAT ....

- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

---
Best Wishes

Dave




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