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GM3YEW > HUMOR    03.10.21 07:50l 207 Lines 7598 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20865_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 3/10
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<PE2V<PI8BDG<PE1RRR<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211003/0536Z 20865@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


As Grandmother used to say

 Oily floors quite slippery get before the rain makes everything wet

--------
Covid  - thanks Colin


PAYDAY Candy Bar is changing its name, because it's offensive to those 
who don't work!

---


 Worthy of Thought:-

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

---

Dementia at our age? Heaven help the world to follow.


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift..

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,

'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A Brunette, by the way!!

-------

A cute blonde walks into a hotel bar, and spots the only other customer,
A handsome young man, drinking alone at a corner table.

As she gets closer, she notices that he has had a few drinks already, so
Thinks he will be an easy target.

She walks over to him : "Hi handsome, can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure... Why not," says the young man, "I'll have a Magic Beer please".

"Magic Beer - what's that?" asks the cute blonde.

"Watch this," says the young man as he drains his glass and walks over
To the window.
He takes off his black-rimmed spectacles and flicks back his hair from
His brow, then he jumps on the window ledge and launches himself off -
flies round the building twice, loops the loop, and lands back on the window
ledge.

"Wow! That was amazing" says the blonde, as she heads over to the bar.

"I'll have two of whatever that young man is drinking please." she asks
the barman.

The barman pours two glasses of beer, and the blonde walks back over to
the table, and downs her drink in two gulps. She climbs up onto the window ledge,
and launches herself off... Falling face-first onto the concrete below.

The barman has been watching what has been going on, and says to the
young man...

"You know what Superman - you're a right swine when you've had a few!"

---------

Exercise
--------
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His doctor recommended
That he get more exercise. So now he watches tennis.



Driving
-------
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red
Light?"

I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio"

------

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocked on the window.

The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on then?"
He replied "Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of
parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. otherwise, they
are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going
from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."

--------

AFTER QUASIMODO'S death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame
sends word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer is needed. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, the bishop decides to
call it a day. Just then, an armless man approaches him and announces that
he has come to apply for the job.
The bishop is incredulous. `You have no arms!' ' No matter,' says the man.
`Observe!' And begins striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listens in astonishment; convinced he's
finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward
to strike a bell, the armless man trips and plunges headlong to his death in
the street below. The stunned bishop rushes to his side. When he reaches
the street, a crowd has gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently part to let the bishop through, one of them asks, 'Bishop,
who was this man?' 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replies,
'but his face rings a bell.
The following day, despite the sadness that weighs heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continues
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him says, `Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agrees to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stoops to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groans, clutches
at his chest, twirls around, and dies on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first
monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, but ... he's a dead
ringer for his brother.'
--------

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban
regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, “Land mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):



BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)


--------



Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
Consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel
and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for £350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him £350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that
were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
"But sir," he says, this cheque is only made out for £50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you £300 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."


Best Wishes

Dave



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