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GM3YEW > HUMOR    02.10.21 10:20l 356 Lines 12256 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 20815_GB7YEW
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Subj: jokes 2/10
Path: PI8DRE<PI8CDR<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 211002/0813Z 20815@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18


As Grandmother used to say

 The acorn never falls far from the tree

---

Covid  - thanks Colin


16) Is anyone else getting a tan from the light in the fridge?


 ---------
Dementia at our age? Heaven help the world to follow.


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote
door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car.. Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm,
too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me.As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

*****


Two Indians and a Ukrainian were walking in
The woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a
Hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
Very closely until he heard an answering,
Woooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Ukrainian was puzzled and asked the other Indian \
What that was all about.Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian.It is our custom during mating
Season when Indian men see cave,they holler 'Wooooo
Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
Answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting
To mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to
The opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered,
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an
Answering "Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" from deep inside the
Cave . He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Uranian wandered around in the woods alone for a
While, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he
Looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening,
He was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
Cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There
Must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He
Stood in front of the opening and hollered with all
His might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
Then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and
A smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing
Off his clothes as he ran.



The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

NAKED UKRANIAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!" !!
 --------


    They made me smile!
    =============
 *Probably enough here to offend just about everybody*



I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie,

large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage a poor homeless man
sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.. I told him 'I wish
I had your will power'



A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said

'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose
it eventually'



Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I

thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'



Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor

away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,

I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!



A boy  asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were

labelled LSD?'  Granny  replies,sod  the pills, have you seen the
dragons in the kitchen!!



Little  Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees.

Next day Billy  comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified  and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in  amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says,  ' Wimbledon .'



A  woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her

Husband, I look horrible,  I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'



Wife  gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my

pretty face or my  sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!



An  elderly couple are attending  Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I
just

let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

-----

Ways To Stay Stressed
---------------------
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if
You practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a
Balanced diet isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 10 kilos over your recommended
Weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar,
And cola will continue to do the job just fine.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing
To tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you
Have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be
Your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work,
Family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time
To listen, be offended, then return the attack!

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you
Want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take
Work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are
For sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day
Than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get
A chance.

PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a
Marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market,
Earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS......and
Either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or
Inadequate when you don't meet them.

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and
It shouldn't be treated as one.



Bizarre Crossword Puzzle Facts
------------------------------
Crosswords were so popular in the twenties that in 1925 the B&O Railroad
put dictionaries on all its mainline trains for its crossword-solving
passengers.

During the Roaring '20s, crossword puzzles even influenced fashions:
Clothes made with black and white checked fabric were the rage.

In December 1925, Theodore Koerner, a 27-year-old employee of the New York
Telephone Co., shot and wounded his wife after she refused to help him
solve a crossword puzzle.

In 1926, a waiter living in Budapest, Hungary committed suicide. He left
behind a note - in the form of a crossword puzzle - explaining why he
killed himself. His motive: unknown. The police couldn't solve the puzzle.

Today crossword puzzles are the most popular hobby on Earth.
The Bible is the most popular Crossword puzzle subject.

What's a 14-letter word for a crossword maniac?
CRUCIVERBALIST.



About These Chain Emails
------------------------
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your goofy chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me
feel safer, more secure, blessed and mistakenly wealthy. Because of your
concern...

1... I can no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

2... I can no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3... I can no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from the rat faeces and urine.

4... I can no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

5... I can no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

6... I can no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

7... I can no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

8... I can no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

9... I can no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10... I can no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

11... I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

12... I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

13... I no longer worry about my soul because I have 1,363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

14... Thanks to all of you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (The BIBLE did not mention it works that way, so I didn't know!)

15... I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

16... I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour. If you don't send this e-mail to at least
1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will poo on
your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of my next-door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's tennis instructor.

---------

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Wishes
Dave




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